Fake Translation of the Week--Deuteronomy 13:4

(Real Translation Here)

In this day and age where the Emerging Church Movement is growing, people are flocking to the ear-tickling voices of men like Joel Osteen and TD Jakes, and men like Mark Driscoll are letting vulgarities fly from what was once considered a sacred place (the pulpit). This time in history where you are laughed at, disowned, ridiculed, and ostracized for standing on the truth of Scripture--by those who call themselves the church--it seems only fitting to re-translate a certain passage of Scripture.

(Altered text in bold italics)

Deuteronomy 13:4 (Emerging Translation)--You shall walk after whatever you think the LORD your God is, and fear those who build their own ideas of Him out of thin air, and keep removing His commandments from your Bible, and obey those who claim to speak with His voice and listen only to your own wants and desires; you shall serve yourself and hold fast to your own ideas about what sin is.

Fake Translation of the Week--1st Cointhians 6:9-11

(Real Translation Here)

There has been much discussion, over the last few years, about whether homosexuality and Christianity are compatible. In other words, can a person be in a physical, homosexual relationship, and still be saved? Well, they can be--but not while they are in such a relationship.

The same, of course, holde true for adultery, stealing, murder, etc. Sin is sin, and as such a person who is living an unrepentantly sinful life is not saved. They can be saved--it is possible that they may get saved--but they are not saved. See the difference?

1st Corinthians 6:9 is one of the clearest passages concerning the fact that homosexuality is a sin. Forget the whole thing about "That was just Leviticus that said it was an abomination." And as far as the whole "Well, eating shrimp was a sin, too" thing? Check here. Point of fact, homosexuality is a sin. Period, paragraph.

So, how does the New Ager, who wants to have sin and Jesus too, translate this passage? Like this (altered text in bold italics):

1st Corinthians 6:9-11 (Theologically Liberal Translation)--

9 Do you not know that the judgmental who thump their Bibles will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites,

10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.

11 And such are some of you. Besides, God doesn't care who you love--that's what He has commanded us to do. So love whoever you want to, live your life however you want to, just do what feels right--because God loves you just the way you are! Don't let those old Pharisees worry you with all their talk of "doctrine" and "damnation." That's just how they scare people.

Fake Translation of the Week--Acts 16:29-34

(Real translation here)

What is the battle cry of the Emergent/Seeker-Sensitive/Purpose-Driven/Postmodern movement? They take up their coffee cups and shout, "What does this verse mean to you?!!" They sound this alarm with all the doubt and uncertauinty they can muster, being absolutely certain that they cannot be absolutely certain of anything.

How would they handle the situation with the Philippian jailer? The one that cried out for an answer to the question of how to be saved? Let's take a look, as Brian McLaren and Rob Bell deal with this man! (Altered text in bold italics)

Acts 16:29-34 (Emergent/Postmodern Translation)--

29 Then the jailer called for a light, ran in, and fell down trembling before Brian and Rob.

30 And he brought them out and said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

31 So Brian said, “Well, there's not really any one particular way to be saved. In fact, there are many different ways to Heaven. That is, if you believe there is a Heaven, which would mean you believe there is a Hell, which we really don't like to talk about. Perhaps you could come to our coffee shop sometime and join the conversation, and tell us what salvation means to you.”

32 Then Rob had a conversation with him and all who were in his house, explaining to them that they could all believe as much--or as little--about the Scriptures as they wanted to, since the bible was meant to be contextualized anyway.

33 And the jailer, the same hour of the night, took them to Starbucks®, never once bringing up doctrine. And immediately the jailer and all his family filled out decision cards, indicating that they would like to join in this conversation.

34 Now when the jailer had brought them into his house, he set food before them; and he rejoiced, having believed in a God of his own making with all his household.

Fake Translation of the Week--Romans 1:16

My friend Pilgrim over at Defending.Contending has taken care of the "Fake Translation" this week. He skewers many heretical systems on how they would translate Romans 1:16, which reads, I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation for everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Gentile. For example:

For I am not ashamed of the gifts of the spirit, for they are proof of the power of God and proof of your salvation to everyone who believes . . .

-Charismaniac

For I am not ashamed of pleading for money, for sowing your faith seed offering is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes . . .

-Word of Faith Charismaniac

For I am not ashamed of Mary, the Pope, and the Mother Church, for they are the power of God and the only way to salvation to everyone who believes and receives the sacraments, attends meritorious masses, is baptized, keeps the law, does good works, purchases indulgences, endures purgatory, etc. . . .

- Roman Catholic

For I am not ashamed of the gospel of the New Earth that we peddle door to door, for the Watchtower is the only ones who speak for God and is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes and exhaustively works their tails off for the Watchtower almost every waking hour of the day for their entire life to obtain Jehovah’s favor, which is not guaranteed . . .

- Jehovah’ Witness

Romans? Is that in the Bible?

- Emergent / Emerging

Fake Translation of the Week--Acts 5:40-42

(Real translation here)

There are people who think that when you follow Christ, all the world will applaud your decision, that all your troubles will end, life will be a bed of roses, your life will be filled with health, wealth, and prosperity, and you will experience Your Best Life Now!© (read the John MacArthur quote under the blog title for more on that)

Yeah........right.......

Tell that to the apsotles, who were beaten, imprisoned, scourged, shackled, left for dead, driven out of every town they went to. Oh, I guess they must have been under a curse, or had some unconfessed sin in their life, or their faith wasn't strong enough.

But, for those who think we deserve a comfortable life because we belong to Christ, take out your Sharpies® and your Exacto® knives, and start creating your own Bible.

Altered text in bold italics

Acts 5:40-42 (Comfortable Life Translation)--40 and when they had called for the apostles and beaten them, they commanded that they should not speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go. 41 So they departed from the presence of the council, complaining that they were better than that, and they didn't deserve the treatment they received. After all, they were Christians, and they are entitled to all the rewards and benefits thereof 42 And daily in the temple, and in every house, they ceased teaching and preaching Jesus as the Christ, just so they didn't offend anyone.

Fake Translation of the Week--Revelation 1:17-18

(Real translation here)

Jehovah's Witnesses believe that Jesus was a created being. They twist and corrupt different passages of Scripture--passages that affirm the deity of Christ--to make it sound as if these verses actually prove thir point. I wonder how today's passage would have to read for them to make their case?

In fact, the dilemma is, who do they say is speaking? If it's Jesus, then He is calling Himself "The First and the Last"--a title that is claimed by YHVH in Isaiah 44:6. If it's the Father, do they believe He died? Well, here are two different ways to read it, depending on which day of the week you hear from the Watchtower (Altered text in bold italics)

Fake Jehovah's Witnesses Translation #1:
Revelation 1:17-18--And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead. But He laid His right hand on me, saying to me, "Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last. But not THE First and THE Last, because that name belongs to the Father. I am simply a representative of His Firstness and His Lastness. I'm not trying to say I'm God. Because I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen."


Fake Jehovah's Witnesses Translation #2:
Revelation 1:17-18--And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead. But He laid His right hand on me, saying to me, "Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last. I am He who lives, and was dead. But it wasn't Me who died. That was My Son. I'm just saying that through Him I died. Because behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen."

Fake Translation of the Week--1st Timothy 2:5-6

(Real translation here)

The Roman Catholic Church likes to think that the Virgin Mary is some kind of intermediary between man and God. That if you ask the Father in the name of Jesus, and He doesn't grant your wish, you go and pray to Mary--because, after all, she's a much better intercessor than Jesus. He's just an old stick in the mud and by golly, sometimes He needs His momma to set Him straight. So here is how one passage of Scripture would have to read for this abominable heresy to be true (altered text in bold italics).

1st Timothy 2:5-6--For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, and another one between man and Christ, and that is Mary, because she had a part in our salvation when she gave her Son as a ransom for all, that she may be glorified with her Son in due time.

Fake Translation of the Week--1st Timothy 6:6-10

(Real translation here)

I gotta share a little something with ya first. This past Sunday morning, my wife was flipping through the channels, when she came across Cashflow Creflo's weekly pimpfest. What I am about to share is exactly what he taught, not taken out of context, this is the fullness of his teaching. He said that in 2nd Timothy 3:16, when it says "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable..." I think you can guess where he was going with that. Focus on the word "profitable."

Yeah, that.

If what these heretical prosperity preachers were true, then this is how 1st Timothy 6:6-10 would have to read (altered text in bold italics):

1st Timothy 6:6-10 (Creflo Dollar Translation)--Now godliness with great financial gain is contentment. For we brought nothing into this world, but we can certainly carry a bunch out in our gold-plated coffins. And having food and clothing, with these we shall never be content. Because if that's all you have, then your faith ain't strong enough, you're under a curse, or you have some unconfessed sin in your life. But those who desire to be rich are the only ones worthy of the kingdom of God, and many foolish and harmful people want y'all to be broke. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of blessin', for which some have strayed from the faith by not confessin' it, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows because they ain't sowin' a seed into the ministry.

Fake Translation of the Week--Ephesians 5:8-12

(Real translation here)

In order for these churches that do series like "The Gospel According to The Beatles" or "Vegas Night" to be biblical, this is how a certain passage of Scripture would have to read (altered text in bold italics).

Ephesians 5:8-12--For you were once unpopular, but now people are coming in record numbers. Walk as though you are still in the world (for the fruit of your acceptance by the world is in your growing bank account, your successful programs, and shrinking away from the truth), finding out what is acceptable to the world. And take part in the works of darkness--which bring more people in the door--and do not expose them, lest you make people feel uncomfortable. For it is shameful to speak out against those things which are done by them, seeing as how you may offend them.

Fake Translation of the Week--2nd Corinthians 6:4-10

(Real translation here).

In order for that which those who preach the "prosperity 'gospel'" to be true, this is how 2nd Corinthians 6:4-10 would have to read (altered text in bold italics).

2nd Corinthians 6:4-10--4 But in all things we commend ourselves as ministers of God: in much wealth, in ease of life, in felt needs met, in Mercedes-Benzes, 5 in cash, in jewelry, in big fancy wigs, in Rolex® watches, in big comfy beds, in luxurious dining; 6 by mansions, by people's lack of knowledge, by not having to wait for things, by false prophecies, by the Spirit of Python, by sincere love of money, 7 by the word of faith doctrine, by the power of mass appeal, by the pistol-packin' armor-bearers on the right hand and on the left, 8 by honor among thieves and dishonor among those who know the truth, by evil report and good report; as deceivers, because we lie; 9 as unknown by the IRS, and yet well known by our acolytes; as dying, and behold we lead others to death; as chastened by Charles Grassley, and yet not bankrupt (yet); 10 as sorrowful when we get caught, yet always rejoicing in people's ignorance; as rich, yet making many poor; as having everything, and yet possessing nothing of God.

Fake Translation of the Week--Colossians 1:15-17

(Real translation here)

In order for the Jehovah's Witnesses' teachings about Jesus being a created being to line up with Scripture, Paul would have had to say (altered text in purple italics)...

Colossians 1:15-17--He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of creation, for he was the first thing that God created. And after God created Him, He used him to create all other things--whether thrones or dominions or all the other pricipalities and powers--all things except himself were created by Him and for Him.

What I want to know is this: If Jesus was nothing more than an angel, is the Watchtower trying to say that an angel created all things for Himself? I thought all things were created for God? Hmmm.

Actually, what Paul is saying is that BECAUSE Jesus created all things, He has been given the title of Firstborn of Creation. Not because He was created, but because He did the creating. Much like God referred to David as the "firstborn" of the kings of Israel. Not because he was the first king, but because God gave him the supremacy over all other kings.

Fake Translation of the Week--Philippians 1:6

(Real translation here)

Today's fake translation has to do with those who think that a person who has been saved can somehow "lose" their salvation--as if it is something WE hold on to. The one who thinks we save ourselves would have to read Philippians 1:6,

Philippians 1:6--You who have begun the good work in yourself must complete it every single minute of your life.

Those who think that God starts the work but we can somehow screw it up would have to read it,

Philippians 1:6--He who began the good work in you will perform it for a little while, but after that it is up to you to perfect it yourself.

Now, there will be some who will claim to belong to Christ for a while--but if that work is not perfected and they do not endure to the end, then they were never born from above, buut they just got a little spirituality for a while.

In truth, this verse tells us that it is God who begins the "good work." It is the Holy Spirit that quickens a person's dead spirit. And this is the "good work" of salvation, because He perfects it until the day of Jesus Christ--not for a little while, not just until we foul it up, but until the day Jesus returns. So in order to believe that we can "lose our salvation," we would have to believe that we begin the "good work," and we would have to perfect it until the day of Christ. Wrong and wrong.

New Feature--Fake Translation of the Week

I'm going to try a new feature here. It's called "Fake Translation of the Week." The goal is to show how certain passages of Scripture would have to read if we are to believe what some false teachers and false religions teach.

Today, the question is--"What happens to those who never hear of Jesus?" And I do not mean to treat this subject lightly, because it is so serious. Because the answer, of course, is "They will not enter into the Kingdom of God." Because if they did--if people who never heard the gospel were granted automatic entrance into heaven, or were given a "second chance" after they die--then this is how we would have to read today's passage.

Matthew 28:19-20--"Tarry ye here in Jerusalem. Do not go out to any other city, or land, to any tribe, or tongue, or nation. Do not tell anyone the gospel. Keep it to yourself, lest the people do not believe what ye tell them, and they be condemned for their unbelief. Yea, 'tis better for them if ye do not tell them. That way, they shall enter into My kingdom."