Fake Translation of the Week--1st Timothy 6:6-10

(Real translation here)

I gotta share a little something with ya first. This past Sunday morning, my wife was flipping through the channels, when she came across Cashflow Creflo's weekly pimpfest. What I am about to share is exactly what he taught, not taken out of context, this is the fullness of his teaching. He said that in 2nd Timothy 3:16, when it says "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable..." I think you can guess where he was going with that. Focus on the word "profitable."

Yeah, that.

If what these heretical prosperity preachers were true, then this is how 1st Timothy 6:6-10 would have to read (altered text in bold italics):

1st Timothy 6:6-10 (Creflo Dollar Translation)--Now godliness with great financial gain is contentment. For we brought nothing into this world, but we can certainly carry a bunch out in our gold-plated coffins. And having food and clothing, with these we shall never be content. Because if that's all you have, then your faith ain't strong enough, you're under a curse, or you have some unconfessed sin in your life. But those who desire to be rich are the only ones worthy of the kingdom of God, and many foolish and harmful people want y'all to be broke. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of blessin', for which some have strayed from the faith by not confessin' it, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows because they ain't sowin' a seed into the ministry.

"Smells Like TBN Spirit"

A ripoff of the Nirvana song, inspired by the jackals featured every hour on TBN.

I saw this guy
On my TV
And he was staring
Straight at me
He said he'd heal
My disease
If I would send
Him money please

Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know don't know

Well he's yellin!
And he's screamin!
Could it be that
He's blasphemin?
Send him money
I don't wanna!
But he told me
That I gotta!
If I do and
God is willing
I'll find gold in
All my fillings!
Yeah!

As I wait for
My miracle
And migraines still
Pound in my skull
I must admit
The waiting's tough
Oh is my faith
Not strong enough?

Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know don't know

Dontcha dis the
Path I've chosen!
Even though the
Bank's foreclosin!
And my mortgage
I can't pay now!
"Money Comin!"
Any day now!
Though by sight you'd
Never guess it!
It'll come if
I confess it!
Yeah!

I pawned my watch
And sold my car
And I maxed out
My credit cards
But I know I'll
Get what I need
With one more
Thousand-dollar seed

Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know don't know

Brother Benny
Wants to help me!
If my checkbook
I will empty!
Send it in now!
No delayin!
In the Spirit
He's a-slayin!
Slingin' jackets!
Quotin' verses!
Calling down all
Kinds of curses!

Avanzini!
Pastor TD!
Creflo Taffy!
Stevie Munsey!
Kenny Benny!
Joyce and Jesse!
Drivin' Bentleys!
Charley Grassley!
Penitentiary!

Prosperity "gospel" under scrutiny

Another article on the hope-it-happens-'cause-it-couldn't-come-soon-enough demise of the prosperity "gospel" (Via Associated Press. The comments [in blue within the brackets] are my $.02):

The teachings took on various names — "Name It and Claim It," "Word of Faith," the prosperity gospel [Also: Blab-it-and-Grab-it Nonsense, Heresy, Blasphemy...]

Prosperity preachers say that it isn't all about money — that God's blessings extend to health [Aren't Ken Hagin and Oral Roberts dead? Does that mean they didn't have enough faith?], relationships [I guess that's why two of the biggest-name couple are divorcing. Hmmm?] and being well-off enough to help others. [Just so long as you help yourself first]

They have Bible verses at the ready to make their case. One oft-cited verse, in Paul's Second Epistle to the Corinthians, reads: "Yet for your sakes he became poor, that you by his poverty might become rich." [They also never mention that the apostle Paul--one of the most faithful (if not THE MOST faithful man of God who has ever lived) was beaten, stoned, jailed...oh yeah--he lost all his money, too. But, let's not tell anybody that, M'K?]

Critics acknowledge the idea that God wants to bless his followers has a Biblical basis, but say prosperity preachers take verses out of context [Yuh think?]. The prosperity crowd also fails to acknowledge Biblical accounts that show God doesn't always reward faithful believers, Palmer said. [Isaiah--sawn in two. Paul--beheaded. Peter--crucified upside down. Jeremiah--thrown into a well. James--behaded. If only they had that ah-NOIN-t'n'!...]

The Book of Job is a case study in piety unrewarded, and a chapter in the Book of Hebrews includes a litany of believers who were tortured and martyred, Palmer said. [I guess their torture was that they could only afford a three-horse chariot, instead of the four-horse model.]

Yet the prosperity gospel continues to draw crowds, particularly lower- and middle-income people who, critics say, have the greatest motivation and the most to lose. [Yuh think?] The prosperity message is spreading to black churches, attracting elderly people with disposable incomes, and reaching huge churches in Africa and other developing parts of the world. [Leading many of these people to destruction. But I digress.]

One of the teaching's attractions is that it doesn't dwell on traditional Christian themes of heaven and hell [Or that old, worn-out, useless old Bible thingy. We's gots to have some new revelations!!] but on answering pressing concerns of the here and now, said Brian McLaren, a liberal evangelical author and pastor.

But the prosperity gospel, McLaren said, not only preys on the hope of the vulnerable, [Again: Yuh think? I stand amazed. Brian McLaren actually said something that makes sense!] it puts too much emphasis on individual success and happiness [And not enough emphasis on things like, oh, I don't know. Sin. Repentance. The Cross.]

"We've pretty much ignored what the Bible says about systemic injustice," he said.

The checks and balances central to Christian denominations are largely lacking in prosperity churches. [No kiddin'!!] One of the pastors in the Grassley probe, Bishop [Fast] Eddie Long of suburban Atlanta, has written that God told him to get rid of the "ungodly governmental structure" of a deacon board. [That's right. Can't have nobody stickin' they nose into how da good passuh got hisself that stretch Bentley now! Gots to make 'em think it's from Da Lawd!!]

Some ministers hold up their own wealth as evidence that the teaching works. [Yeah, it works for the Passuhs. For the people they fleece? Eh, not so much.] Atlanta-area pastor Creflo [Worshippin' the Almighty Dollar], who is fighting Grassley's inquiry, owns a Rolls Royce and multimillion-dollar homes and travels in a church-owned Learjet. [While the people he fleeces watch one check after another go boingy, boingy, boingy.]