"Smells Like TBN Spirit"

A ripoff of the Nirvana song, inspired by the jackals featured every hour on TBN.

I saw this guy
On my TV
And he was staring
Straight at me
He said he'd heal
My disease
If I would send
Him money please

Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know don't know

Well he's yellin!
And he's screamin!
Could it be that
He's blasphemin?
Send him money
I don't wanna!
But he told me
That I gotta!
If I do and
God is willing
I'll find gold in
All my fillings!
Yeah!

As I wait for
My miracle
And migraines still
Pound in my skull
I must admit
The waiting's tough
Oh is my faith
Not strong enough?

Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know don't know

Dontcha dis the
Path I've chosen!
Even though the
Bank's foreclosin!
And my mortgage
I can't pay now!
"Money Comin!"
Any day now!
Though by sight you'd
Never guess it!
It'll come if
I confess it!
Yeah!

I pawned my watch
And sold my car
And I maxed out
My credit cards
But I know I'll
Get what I need
With one more
Thousand-dollar seed

Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know
Don't know don't know don't know

Brother Benny
Wants to help me!
If my checkbook
I will empty!
Send it in now!
No delayin!
In the Spirit
He's a-slayin!
Slingin' jackets!
Quotin' verses!
Calling down all
Kinds of curses!

Avanzini!
Pastor TD!
Creflo Taffy!
Stevie Munsey!
Kenny Benny!
Joyce and Jesse!
Drivin' Bentleys!
Charley Grassley!
Penitentiary!

Prosperity "gospel" under scrutiny

Another article on the hope-it-happens-'cause-it-couldn't-come-soon-enough demise of the prosperity "gospel" (Via Associated Press. The comments [in blue within the brackets] are my $.02):

The teachings took on various names — "Name It and Claim It," "Word of Faith," the prosperity gospel [Also: Blab-it-and-Grab-it Nonsense, Heresy, Blasphemy...]

Prosperity preachers say that it isn't all about money — that God's blessings extend to health [Aren't Ken Hagin and Oral Roberts dead? Does that mean they didn't have enough faith?], relationships [I guess that's why two of the biggest-name couple are divorcing. Hmmm?] and being well-off enough to help others. [Just so long as you help yourself first]

They have Bible verses at the ready to make their case. One oft-cited verse, in Paul's Second Epistle to the Corinthians, reads: "Yet for your sakes he became poor, that you by his poverty might become rich." [They also never mention that the apostle Paul--one of the most faithful (if not THE MOST faithful man of God who has ever lived) was beaten, stoned, jailed...oh yeah--he lost all his money, too. But, let's not tell anybody that, M'K?]

Critics acknowledge the idea that God wants to bless his followers has a Biblical basis, but say prosperity preachers take verses out of context [Yuh think?]. The prosperity crowd also fails to acknowledge Biblical accounts that show God doesn't always reward faithful believers, Palmer said. [Isaiah--sawn in two. Paul--beheaded. Peter--crucified upside down. Jeremiah--thrown into a well. James--behaded. If only they had that ah-NOIN-t'n'!...]

The Book of Job is a case study in piety unrewarded, and a chapter in the Book of Hebrews includes a litany of believers who were tortured and martyred, Palmer said. [I guess their torture was that they could only afford a three-horse chariot, instead of the four-horse model.]

Yet the prosperity gospel continues to draw crowds, particularly lower- and middle-income people who, critics say, have the greatest motivation and the most to lose. [Yuh think?] The prosperity message is spreading to black churches, attracting elderly people with disposable incomes, and reaching huge churches in Africa and other developing parts of the world. [Leading many of these people to destruction. But I digress.]

One of the teaching's attractions is that it doesn't dwell on traditional Christian themes of heaven and hell [Or that old, worn-out, useless old Bible thingy. We's gots to have some new revelations!!] but on answering pressing concerns of the here and now, said Brian McLaren, a liberal evangelical author and pastor.

But the prosperity gospel, McLaren said, not only preys on the hope of the vulnerable, [Again: Yuh think? I stand amazed. Brian McLaren actually said something that makes sense!] it puts too much emphasis on individual success and happiness [And not enough emphasis on things like, oh, I don't know. Sin. Repentance. The Cross.]

"We've pretty much ignored what the Bible says about systemic injustice," he said.

The checks and balances central to Christian denominations are largely lacking in prosperity churches. [No kiddin'!!] One of the pastors in the Grassley probe, Bishop [Fast] Eddie Long of suburban Atlanta, has written that God told him to get rid of the "ungodly governmental structure" of a deacon board. [That's right. Can't have nobody stickin' they nose into how da good passuh got hisself that stretch Bentley now! Gots to make 'em think it's from Da Lawd!!]

Some ministers hold up their own wealth as evidence that the teaching works. [Yeah, it works for the Passuhs. For the people they fleece? Eh, not so much.] Atlanta-area pastor Creflo [Worshippin' the Almighty Dollar], who is fighting Grassley's inquiry, owns a Rolls Royce and multimillion-dollar homes and travels in a church-owned Learjet. [While the people he fleeces watch one check after another go boingy, boingy, boingy.]

More on Senator's investigation of pulpit pumps

Independent Conservative has put up two videos (at YouTube) of news stories about Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA) investigating the (mis)use of donor moneys to several of the largest prosperity "gospel" churches, as well as Richard Roberts (Oral's son, and president of ORU).

The first is from WFLA (Tampa), and deals with Randy and Paula White, and their Without Shame Walls International money-making scheme Ministry (about 4 min.):




The second is the full interview between Grassley and WFLA's Jeff Patterson (7:40)




OK, so here's the question: Should the government be allowed to force an organization that calls themselves a "ministry" to open their books? Should the government be allowed to say what is and what isn't necessary to operate one of these "ministries." Yes, if:

• The "ministry" wants to retain a tax-exempt status with the IRS. (In other words, if they want to avoid paying taxes in order to enrich themselves. You know, that whole "render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's" thing.)
• There is concern among the members that the money they are giving for the purpose of spreading the gospel of Christ (which is the purpose of a true ministry) is instead being used to increase the material comfort of the "pastor" above that which should be considered "reasonable."
• The "pastor" lets it be known that he don't cotton too well to people trying to make him abide by the laws of the land.
• The "pastor" has installed a board of directors filled with relatives and cronies and yes-men to surround himself in a cloak of secrecy.
• The "minister" spends more time talking about why you should give them your money than they do preaching the gospel.
• The "pastor" answers "Yes" to the age-old question: "Would Jesus Wear a Rolex on His Television Show?"
• The "pastor" is encouraging people to store up massive credit-card debt so they can send him their "seed-faith offering."
• The "ministry" continually gets a transparency rating of "F" from MinistryWatch. Like this guy did. And this one. And him.

We have to remember something here: This is not about the government telling the church what they can and can't teach. Well, at least not yet. This is about these organizations abiding by the laws they agreed to follow when they applied for tax-exempt status. If they want to retain that status, then they should comply with the laws. (See 1st Peter 2:11-17.) Otherwise, they take off the mask, admit they are a business and not a church, and start paying their taxes.

Senate to investigate pimps

In a long-overdue move, the top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee is calling "Bull!" on several pulpit pimps who serve on the board of Oral Roberts University. From FOXNews:

Acting on tips about preachers who ride in Rolls Royces and have purportedly paid $30,000 for a conference table, the top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee said Tuesday he's investigating the finances of six well-known TV ministers.

Grassley sent letters to the half-dozen Christian media ministries earlier this week requesting answers by Dec. 6 about their expenses, executive compensation and amenities, including use of fancy cars and private jets.

In a statement, Grassley said he was acting on complaints from the public and news coverage of the organizations.

"The allegations involve governing boards that aren't independent and allow generous salaries and housing allowances and amenities such as private jets and Rolls Royces," Grassley said.

"I don't want to conclude that there's a problem, but I have an obligation to donors and the taxpayers to find out more. People who donated should have their money spent as intended and in adherence with the tax code."

Who is under investigation? Several of the top preachers of the prosperity "gospel."

Kenneth and Gloria Copeland of Kenneth Copeland Ministries of Newark, Texas, a $20 million organization and prosperity gospel pioneer. Questions were raised about the transfer of church assets to a for-profit company, Security Patrol Inc., a $1 million loan from Gloria Copeland to the group, and a "personal gift" of more than $2 million given to Kenneth Copeland to mark the ministry's 40th anniversary.

Creflo and Taffi Dollar of World Changers Church International and Creflo Dollar Ministries of College Park, Ga. Grassley's letter asks for records on private planes, board makeup, compensation and donations and "love offerings" to visiting ministers. In a statement, Dollar called his ministry an "open book" and said he would cooperate. He also questioned whether the investigation could "affect the privacy of every community church in America."

Benny Hinn of World Healing Center Church Inc. and Benny Hinn Ministries of Grapevine, Texas, is asked about use of a private jet, a home in Dana Point, Calif. and "layover trips" while traveling on ministry business. Hinn did not respond to requests for comment.

Bishop Eddie Long of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church and Bishop Eddie Long Ministries of Lithonia, Ga., was questioned about his salary, a $1.4 million real estate transaction and whether he, and not the board, holds sole authority over the organization. Long plans to fully comply with the Senate's request, and his church has "several safeguards" to ensure transactions comply with laws governing churches, according to a statement from Long's spokesman.

Joyce and David Meyer of Joyce Meyer Ministries of Fenton, Mo., who were quizzed about receiving donations of money and jewelry and the handling of cash from overseas crusades. They also were asked about expenditures at ministry headquarters, including a $30,000 conference table and a $23,000 "commode with marble top."

Randy and Paula White of the multiracial Without Walls International Church and Paula White Ministries of Tampa, Fla. are asked about home purchases in San Antonio, Texas, Malibu, Calif., and New York, credit card charges for clothing and cosmetic surgery and the reported purchase of a Bentley convertible as a gift for Bishop T.D. Jakes, a prominent Texas preacher and televangelist. An e-mail to a spokeswoman for Jakes was not immediately returned.

Ya know, it was just a matter of time. God is "slow to anger, slow to wrath" (Psalm 103:8), but the US Government is a whole different story.

I know there will be some who will say that this opens the door for the government to swoop down and force every church to open its books. That is not what is going on here. This is a case where it is obvious that these pimps are robbing people under the guise of (and appropriating the title of) "mimistry". These people DO NOT RUN MINISTRIES! These people are running rackets! They are running get-rich-quick schemes. (Of course, the only ones getting rich are the pimps!)

These people are pimps, they are charlatans, they have no knowledge of anything biblical, and they trick people--usually the most desperate and the most gullible--out of their money, and leave those they fleece high and dry. But someone--finally--is calling them on it.

And if these pimps think the weight of the United States Government is a heavy load, wait until they stand before God and are forced to account for why they blasphemed His name, and took advantage of His Christ. And they have. After all, Jesus said in Matthew chapter 25, that whatever you do to "the least of these," you have done to Him.