12 August 2008

Fake Translation of the Week--Acts 16:29-34

(Real translation here)

What is the battle cry of the Emergent/Seeker-Sensitive/Purpose-Driven/Postmodern movement? They take up their coffee cups and shout, "What does this verse mean to you?!!" They sound this alarm with all the doubt and uncertauinty they can muster, being absolutely certain that they cannot be absolutely certain of anything.

How would they handle the situation with the Philippian jailer? The one that cried out for an answer to the question of how to be saved? Let's take a look, as Brian McLaren and Rob Bell deal with this man! (Altered text in bold italics)

Acts 16:29-34 (Emergent/Postmodern Translation)--

29 Then the jailer called for a light, ran in, and fell down trembling before Brian and Rob.

30 And he brought them out and said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

31 So Brian said, “Well, there's not really any one particular way to be saved. In fact, there are many different ways to Heaven. That is, if you believe there is a Heaven, which would mean you believe there is a Hell, which we really don't like to talk about. Perhaps you could come to our coffee shop sometime and join the conversation, and tell us what salvation means to you.”

32 Then Rob had a conversation with him and all who were in his house, explaining to them that they could all believe as much--or as little--about the Scriptures as they wanted to, since the bible was meant to be contextualized anyway.

33 And the jailer, the same hour of the night, took them to Starbucks®, never once bringing up doctrine. And immediately the jailer and all his family filled out decision cards, indicating that they would like to join in this conversation.

34 Now when the jailer had brought them into his house, he set food before them; and he rejoiced, having believed in a God of his own making with all his household.

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